Saturday, June 28th, quarter to ten in the morning. The Entrance Hall, one back end under the marble staircase. Looking down the spiral stairs, Harry had no intentions to take them. No intentions at all. But he had to. If he didn’t turn up, he could as much leave Hogwarts right now and hand himself over to Voldemort. His sanity winning the battle against his will, he started walking into the ground. Endlessly the stairs wound to the depths.
The last two Saturday mornings had been horror. Snape had punished him with silence. The only instructions had been a nod to the extra table with the cards and the office door held open for him when the time had been over. He hadn’t even given him a glance and every time Harry had turned upon having had the feeling that he did, he had just found him working concentrated on some papers on his desk. Similar could be said for the Defence lessons ever since that – shoelace-incident. Even though the few inspiring conversations they had shared throughout the last two months – or probably just because of that, the teacher refused to share any more words with him now.
It felt as though he had stepped across a border, just as if talking to him normally was not allowed and now he was at last punished for having done so. Not long ago, Harry would have given everything to be ignored by Snape in class, but now he found himself ashamed to admit that he would give everything for only a single word or look from him, and if they were as loathsome and senselessly mean as could be.
Snape had driven it that far that Harry was already provoking him at any possible moment just to hear something like `five points from Gryffindor, Potter´. But no, whatever Harry had dared to do, Snape had pretended he wasn’t there, also freaking Hermione out. It wouldn’t have been bad if she had remained with glares, but she had to pester him after every lesson or later on those days. Nevertheless he kept being as stern as her. Harry would never tell her what he had seen that evening. Nor probably ever about Blackbeard – or had Snape heard that sentence about biscuits before he had left the hall with some toast? Because, since then, ignorance had beaten attention.
With those thoughts on mind, Harry arrived at the dark wooden door, five minutes to ten. Unwilling to delay the moment of supposedly silent-once-more confrontation, he knocked three times. As expected, there was no answer. Though not wanting to risk another encounter like two weeks ago; which apparently had led to the consequent silence; he made some steps away from the door, leaned to a stone statue further down the blue lit corridor and waited.
Those minutes went by like half an eternity in which his thoughts were spinning around in his head. From Dumbledore to Ginny to Malfoy and Voldemort, even Luna found her way in there and cost him a chuckle eventually. Whatever situation, that girl could make everything seem to be a harmless cotton-wool ball, probably even changing its colours on its own. And sparkling. Grinning, yet disgusted, he imagined her forcing Voldemort to wear that wondrous woollen skirt, cap and socks of hers. Only, otherwise naked. And Harry knew that if there was any chance he could once use that awkward connection between their minds like Voldemort had when making him believe to have captured Sirius, he would implant him this picture. He was certain, this way he wouldn’t even need to find his Horcruxes. All pieces of that bastard’s soul would die from the massive heart attack at an instant.
Finally, the chiming of the distant bells. Harry checked his watch to be on the safe side, though grunting when he realised how pointless it was. After all he had set his watch according to the tower clock. He then walked back to the door and knocked another three times. Yet no sign. Had he overslept? Or was he still asleep? Or simply miscalculated time once more? A little frustrated already, Harry knocked again, with the same result. Annoyed, he pushed down the handle. The door gave in without any resistance.
A little surprising, music filled his ears. It was a sad but calm and somehow beautiful song, played on piano. Harry looked around. Greenish blue light fell through the underwater window behind the desk, casting the otherwise dark, crammed, but neatly sorted room in mystic gloom. He could have sworn to have seen a distant shadow passing. The Squid? Probably. For now, he ignored the shine of a chandelier coming from the half open shelf-door and closed the dark one behind. His attention was drawn to a very old looking box of record cards on the extra table in the corner. Harry went over, tilted the lid down and read the sign in dim light.
Property of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Do not open without explicit permission!
But since it had been opened already, Harry took it for granted that he had been given this permission. He picked the first card.
Albus Dumbledore. Usage of a growth spell on a spider in class. Students fled. Spider died when being too big as to fit in the room. Confessed purpose. Twenty points off and detention, cleaning up the room non-magically.
Had Dumbledore really purposely blown up a spider in a lesson? Harry couldn’t resist chuckling and stuck the record back, picking the next.
Albus Dumbledore and Elphias Doge. Flooded the Great Hall out of entertainment. No punishment as entire school was invited to go swimming with the pair.
Harry clapped a hand on his mouth to shut away a loud laugh. He searched further, finding all those acts of him actually too funny to be worth any punishment at all either, though he had indeed received masses of detention. Somewhere between, were also the curtains he had mentioned to have set on fire. Twice as far down the row, the names changed. Some people he didn’t know, others rang a bell and he had the feeling that Hermione would have known immediately who those people were. The ones he knew, were former Hogwarts teachers he had heard of and even a number of current teachers.
Flitwick had once managed to turn Headmaster Dippet’s nose green and his hair orange during an opening speech, McGonagall had transformed all house tables into working grandfather clocks which resulted in a mess of food and drinks on the floor and Slughorn had poured `some sticky, unidentified solution´ down the Moving Stairs on a group of first-years. Professor Sinistra had thrown a telescope down the Astronomy Tower when she had failed at a test, which had landed on Filch’s head, knocking him out for a week, and Madam Hooch had incinerated the Slytherin broom storage when Hufflepuff had lost a game against them. Madam Sprout had placed a number of biting kettle in Slughorn’s desk, which had attacked him as he had wanted to get a paper from it during a lesson.
Listening to a second song, he randomly picked cards, suppressing more laughs until – he finally realised why he hadn’t found any of those when renewing the records of the Marauders. Snape indeed hadn’t been an innocent angel, nor uncaught – Dumbledore had confiscated these cards.
Severus Snape. Caused James Potter’s cauldron to explode without a wand and no visible reason, but appeared angry. James Potter in Hospital Wing. Twenty points off Slytherin, detention.
Severus Snape and Lily Evans. Severus Snape kept yelling at Professor William Crowarth, Lily Evans punched Severus Snape in the face. Ten points off Slytherin and Gryffindor, double detention.
She had – what?
Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Conjuring a rope during Quidditch match. James Potter in Hospital Wing. Double detention and suspension for two games.
Even that made Harry grin. Probably it was because he just read his mother’s name, or the fact that she had played Quidditch as well. Going as far as to knock her own team mate off a broom? He must have had done something really horrible that she had agreed helping Snape with such a brutal act. Harry wondered if James had ever forgiven her for that. But he must have, or he wouldn’t have married her.
James Potter and Severus Snape. Duel in crowded corridor. Three students badly injured, five windows broken. Fifty points off Gryffindor and Slytherin, double detention.
James Potter and Severus Snape. Duel in detention. Headmaster office demolished. Separated extra detention.
Severus Snape. Testing illegal hexes and curses on duplicated mice in a storage cabinet. Detention and Ministry Record.
Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Confunding Professor Silvanus Kettleburn several times in a lesson to slap James Potter and Sirius Black whenever they gave a right answer. Double detention.
Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Caught missing detention purposely, hiding on roof around Transfiguration Courtyard. Twenty points off Gryffindor and Slytherin, double detention expanded.
Severus Snape. Placed dung bomb in James Potter’s trunk. Claimed to be fair and vengeance to be legal. Awaiting decision.
James Potter and Severus Snape. Confessed placing dung bombs in one another’s trunk. Double detention.
James Potter and Severus Snape. Duel in detention. Headmaster office demolished. Caution! Future cases recommend separated detention!
Severus Snape. Demolished Headmaster office in a personal hearing. No punishment. Headmaster Professor Albus Dumbledore remains with a warning and record.
There were two more rows in the box to go, but as interesting as they were to read, Harry got tired of it. He had to read them later anyway, or had he? The song’s end sounded rather delightful. A third one. It started with some dramatic chords, then went into a fast run, similar scenic and intensifying the longer the song played. Harry abandoned the cards and walked over to the shelf.
It was him. He sat at a piano that stood against the wall, his back and right side turned to Harry. That one was fascinated by how fast and elegant the fingers flew over the keys. At one point, Snape tilted his head back and the curtain of black hair slid off, revealing that he had his eyes closed. It stunned Harry like then in the Great Hall, with what passion the man played. The song slowed down a little and even though Harry’s knowledge of music was lame, he knew that he switched into another song. It was more varied but equally sweeping. Towards the end, this one slowed and reduced as well. He finished it with a soft chord and took his hands off the keys, placing them in his lap.
Only then, Harry noticed that there were no sheets on the piano. Though he didn’t dare to examine the room further. He felt totally out of place, like about to enter a sanctuary. So he raised his fist to the back of the shelf-door but was stopped in mid-move.
“There is no need for you to knock.”, Snape said softly. “I heard your first attempts already.”
Harry’s fist fell slackly to his side. Snape didn’t fully turn, though looked at the bedding. Giving it a glance as well, Harry now noticed that it was white cotton. He had rather expected him to sleep in black satin. Why, or why he had even brooded over such things, he didn’t know.
“What did my Dad do to make my Mum agree helping you to knock him off a broom with a rope, Sir?”, Snape huffed and looked to the wardrobe on the other side of the small room.
“It was her idea, not mine. I agreed helping her. You would be surprised to know how many other things she managed to bring me round.”
“Then tell me, Sir. Or are they all in the box?”
“No, and no. There is only one place they are recorded at and they will stay there until I personally opt for their disclosure.”
“Is it asked too much that the only people who are still alive to tell me about my parents, do so?”, moaned Harry. “Sir? If you didn’t notice, I had to grow up alone,”
“They gave their life for you. Is it asked too much for you to accept things the way they are?”
“Oh, it is! Wouldn’t you want to know the truth about your parents, Professor?”
“As a matter of fact, I do know all truth about my parents.”
“Well, probably a bad example, then. If your parents were dead,”
“My mother is dead! I had to watch her die!”
Gritting his teeth and his hands wrenched to fists, he was on his feet. Harry unintentionally took one step back at the gruesome terror he was presented with.
“And my father – left us when I was a child, ripping away the future she had worked hard for, a future she had sacrificed almost everything for, only to – don’t come at me with how alone you are, because you aren’t. You never were.”
“So you think, just because my parents let you sing to me, I was cared for? Just because Dumbledore made you spy after me as a postman and the Dursleys had a rather feeble eye on me too, you think I didn’t grow up alone?”
Harry jumped aside as he stormed for the office door, ignoring the hasty steps following him after some seconds. He was so fast that Harry could hardly keep up. They already reached the Entrance Hall when Harry managed to get closer.
“I was scorned for being my parents’ son, when I didn’t even know how they actually died! If you had done your job right, Sir, you might have seen that they treated me like the utmost disgusting piece of mud!”, raged Harry, though his feet stopped moving as though Snape had commanded them by spinning around himself.
“Albus Dumbledore doesn’ know thA slightes’ bi’ ’bou’ why I asked fEr a free Monday mornin’ fEr nine years!”, he barked, and a certain vein could be seen pulsing at his temple. “Yes, yE ’eard me, ’opefully! An’ I ’ave seen it! We ’ave sUm’thin’ in common yE wouldn’ even dare tER expec’, righ’?”, Severus spat. “ME ENTIRE CHILD’OOD Lon’ it’s only been mE mother tER notice ’ow I was treated bE everyone else fEr thA mere fac’ o’ bein’ thA way I was like! So dUn’ tell me tha’ I ’ave no idea! DUn’, tell, me!”
“Great! But just because we seem to share that fact, you have no right to treat me like the ugliest heap of crap around the entire world!”
“An’ I though’ ye’d understoo’ even a bi’ o’ wha’ I’ve been tryin’ ter tell ye in years!”
“Those years in which you kicked me around in every lesson? Jumping into an ice cold pond in winter is far more pleasant compared to – ”
“Dun’ make me laugh! Ye’ve go’ no idea wha’s it like – ”
“You’re right! but anything feels better than that cruelty you – ”
“Why, yes, wha’ a grand idea! nex’ time ye’re mean’ ter achieve sum’thin’, remin’ me ter throw ye inter an ice cold pond! Per’aps ye’ll succeed – ”
“What the – ”
A third voice joined in, coming from the marble staircase. He noticed that there was another person with her, spun again and rushed through the open front gate, out of sight, their quarrel still echoing from every wall.
“Bloody hell!”, aspirated Ron. “What was that?”
“Harry?”, moaned Hermione, hurrying down the last steps.
“Nothing – ”, Harry mumbled, staring outside where he had gone.
“What did you do? What did you say to him?”, she pleaded, unable to stand still. “Other than that – ”
“I only – confronted him – with – what I – ”
“With what you what?”, she grunted and sped off, catching sight of a black something disappearing at the stairs to the docks.
“Hermione?”, Ron frowned. “What’s that now? Harry? What the heck happened? Why does she run after him?”
“Forget it, Ron.”, sighed Harry, wondering how he could even speak, now that more and more bits of information started to form solid in his head. “And I have no idea.”, Dumbledore didn’t – know?
“And what’s that awful language of his again? Harry?”
“Stop hammering on my brain, right?”, he yelled and Ron stumbled one stair back up. “I said, I have no idea what this is about! All I know is that Snape just ran away from me!”
“Easy,”, chuckled Ron. “Well, if you knew what you look like, you wouldn’t wonder, mate.”
“And what do I look like?”
“Almost like he just did, to be honest.”
Harry’s tension was blown away radically within a second. He didn’t know for how long he just gazed at Ron, thoughts and memories rotating like a merry-go-round in his head.
“I – what?”, he murmured after that long pause.
“Dunno.”, meant Ron. “Er – I guess, no detention then?”
That hadn’t even occurred to him yet. And even if it had, he wasn’t all too sure whether he would have been happy about it. There were too many other things on his mind right now than those cards. Things he had never paid attention to, but now they were there and he had no clue how to cope with it all.
“Quite likely not. Even if he calmed down, I don’t think I’d want to meet him again until it’s really necessary. You know anything I can do to get on different thoughts?”
“Chess in an empty common room? Everyone’s outside already.”
“Sounds great.”, Harry took a deep breath and followed his nod upstairs.
~~#~~
“Don’t you want to try, Sir? It can really help if needing to get one’s mind off.”, she sat at the paved edge outside the boathouse, sunlight glistening in her fair waves like it did in the swaying water in front of her, in which she dangled her legs.
“I know what this does, Miss Lovegood. But I really don’t feel like it right now.”, he had sat down to her left, his arms wrapped around his knees and blinked out over the lake, fury and despair having a gruesome battle on his face.
“No, you should. You really should.”, his eyes zoomed down when she started undoing his shoelaces.
“What the – ?”
“It’s only for your best, Sir.”, smiled the girl and took off one shoe after the other, placing them carefully behind him.
“You are aware though, that I am your teacher?”
“Oh, I am. But that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to help you feel better, right?”, too perplexed as to move, he let her pull off his socks as well and roll up his trousers. “Come on, Sir. It’s really not difficult.”
“Miss Lovegood!”, he chuckled hollow when she grabbed his legs and forced them down into the lukewarm water.
“Luna?”, Hermione came to halt behind them, panting heavily, which made their heads turn.
“Hello, Hermione.”, she said.
“What are you – doing here?”
“Sometimes it just happens that two people meet at an interesting place, doesn’t it?”
“Um – yes – maybe – Severus?”
“I think, I’ll be leaving, Sir.”, she pulled out her own legs and stood up. “You are in good hands now. I will go somewhere nobody can find me, so you can take me as your excuse, Hermione.”, Luna still smiled and shortly waved them goodbye before she hopped towards the stairs up to the castle.
“What has she – ”, frowned Hermione and sat down on her legs where Luna had sat.
“I have no idea.”, Severus looked back at the lake.
“And what did she do?”
“Forced my legs into the water.”, a little smile drifted over his lips. “She said, it would help me clearing my mind.”
“Does it?”
“What do you think?”
“It does.”, Hermione smirked and laid her arms around him, cuddling against his neck and shoulder in a very awkward sitting position. “What happened between you and Harry?”
“We tried to figure out how long it would take to yell the mortar out of the joints.”
“Just as I thought.”, Hermione puffed. “Well?”
“You unfortunately interrupted our attempt before we succeeded.”
“Severus,”, she warned.
“He discovered that I had kept an eye on him before he attended Hogwarts.”
“You did?”
“Yes.”
“How did he find out?”
“How did he not find out, would be a better question.”, murmured Severus. “It took him more than six years to notice that a former beloved postman and his most hated teacher are the very same person.”
“What?”, she raised her head and looked at his profile. “You turned up as postman?”
“I couldn’t think of any other possibility to get to see him.”
“But the house was secured, wasn’t it?”
“To an extent. Why should it be necessary to completely shield a house, when the enemy is supposed to be gone, you see? And the Dursleys would have been even more of a pest if they had been locked in. Since they had three different postmen during the week, it was easy to sneak in on Mondays. I even got paid for visiting my son.”
“And he liked you?”
“You should have seen him. Well, during the first years I only got the one or other glimpse on him, but when they had decided that he was old enough so they could send him to receive the mail sometimes, I even had some words with him.”, Severus’ sad smile over the lake brought tears to Hermione’s eyes.
“When will you finally tell him.”, she sighed and his smile disappeared into thin air.
“You know when. Stop wanting to discuss that with me. I cannot risk it. Lately, I let down my guards too far anyway. If I am not careful, he will start to like me. Should I allow myself just one more step closer to him, I fear, everything could be in vain. He isn’t to know. Bad enough that I slipped the fact that I had watched him on my own account. Hermione, I can understand that you want me to tell him. Or do you think, it is easy for me? Do you think, I don’t want to tell him any second I look at him?”
“S– ”
“Every time I think of him, I just want to search for him and tell him right away.”, Hermione pulled his head close to hers, stroking him.
“How long?”
“A week,”, he breathed, “Two, if we are more than lucky.”
“Oh my god.”, aspirated Hermione. “And I told them to study for the exams next week – ”
Finally Severus could laugh. That cheered up her as well, but it couldn’t redeem the awareness.
“How far is he?”
“Draco, you mean?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t have the slightest clue. But understandably, he is in panic. It had taken him a year and being unable to succeed before term is over, will be his end.”
“Oh can’t you just go up there and kill him?”, she murmured.
“Charming. You know I can’t.”
“Unfortunately.”
“And that Draco still rejects my help is no benefit either.”
~~#~~
“Yes, yes, yes, YES!”
“Oh shut up.”, grunted Harry and got up.
“Sorry, pal. Didn’t mean to.”, Ron grinned.
“Never mind. It’s just a game.”
“Going for dinner?”
“No idea.”, he huffed at the noticeboard, not really reading any of the notes on there, but they were a great excuse for turning his back on him. “I’m not hungry, if I think about it.”
“I could eat an entire Centaur.”, Ron sighed and leaned back in his chair.
“Then try to. I won’t help you with the hunt though.”
“Will you finally tell me what happened yesterday?”, Ron’s smile was gone.
“You heard it, didn’t you?”, Harry grumbled. “Screaming contest. Seeing as he fled, I won.”
“Yeah.”, chuckled Ron. “And what was it about? You’ll tell me that too?”
“No.”
“Hey! I’m your best friend!”
“You think that’s news to me? Still. That’s – I don’t know how to say – it’s just – you wouldn’t understand – ”
“Now wouldn’t I? Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
“So is it? Then make me understand. Come on, give it a try.”
“No.”, the portrait swung aside and Hermione came in, wearing the same clothes as she had done the previous day, which was in fact noticed.
“Bloody hell!”, he gasped.
“Not again.”, snorted Hermione in return. “What’s it this time?”
“Well, you’re wearing the same as yesterday, and we haven’t seen you since you ran after Snape! Snape, if you know what I mean. And Harry’s totally mad. Not wanting to tell me what’s going on. Forgive me, mate, but why the hell shouldn’t I understand it?”
“It’s not like she hasn’t done that before, now has she?”
“Because there are indeed things going on in this world you won’t ever understand, Ronald.”, Hermione snapped, trying to act is if she hadn’t heard what Harry had thrown in. “Is it a crime to wear the same clothes two days in a row? Or spending time with Luna?”
“Luna was at meals.”
“Guess, I know. She brought me some.”
“And you’ve been – where?”
“Honestly, Ron, that’s none of your business.”
“Hey!”, he protested.
“And you really have no right to be mad, Harry.”, she continued coldly.
“Have I not?”, he finally turned away from the noticeboard.
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Well, because you haven’t. If you understood what he told you, you should be really grateful.”
“Tz. He told you? So you actually caught him? What did he tell you? What did you do? Was it nice?”
“Harry,”
“Did you calm him down? With biscuits?”
“What?”, Hermione and Ron said at once.
“Or held hands, probably?”
“Don’t be silly, Harry.”
“You think, I’m silly?”
“I didn’t say that – ”
“DO YOU THINK I’M SILLY?”
“HARRY! STOP THAT – ”
“What the heck – ”, Ginny had entered the common room as well.
“I’M NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT EXACTLY YOU DID SINCE YOU RAN AFTER HIM!”
“I’M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, HARRY!”
“WHAT?”
“She’s got a good point on that,”, Ginny noted.
“KEEP OUT OF THAT!”, a bright red pulsated on Hermione’s face.
“Easy, grump!”
“Take that back,”, Ron threw in.
“YES, TAKE THAT BACK!”, Hermione screamed.
“Mind your head,”, that did silence her.
“Sorry.”, she moaned after some seconds, blinking embarrassed.
“So? What’s this about?”
“Nothing.”, whimpered Hermione.
“I had no idea that people could become so outraged because of simply nothing. And that’s saying something, considered where I’ve grown up.”
“Forget it.”, Hermione mumbled, angry again.
“No, I won’t.”
“Let me through.”
“And where are you going?”
“Having sex with Snape.”, she grunted when she pushed a shrieking Fat Lady aside.
“What?”, Harry and Ron called after her.
“She didn’t mean that.”, Ginny calmed them and hurried after her.
“Girls – ”, Ron aspirated. “Hey – where’re you heading now?”
“Dinner.”, Harry groaned and gave the raving portrait another push.
Somewhere downstairs he could hear Hermione’s angry stomping and saw Ginny’s red mane disappear, but he didn’t bother. His thoughts spinning around the same things they had had for an entire day, he hurried down the tower in hope his rush would blow them away. Though as always when he was longing for such things, some fate fought against his wishes and so he was stopped on a landing leading into a first floor corridor, by the voice of another upset woman and more footsteps.
“I really don’t see any way how she can possibly tolerate that. I mean, I do, but just because I’m used to your idiocy. Nevertheless you should finally call it a day. He deserves to know it. And you can’t hoax me into believing that you can bear it. Maybe you can, I don’t know. Maybe you’ve become enough of an emotional stone. But I can’t deny the thought slightly troubles me. I know you, Severus. You’re not dead in there.”, they came around the corner, both their hair and clothes bouncing with their fast walking.
“Believe what you want to believe.”, the man said grim. “I defined my position and if you just slightly know me as you say, you’d do good letting the demons rest. Devastating your brain with questions you know you will never get answered is senseless. You understand not a thing.”
“Then help me understand; it’s plain simple.”, she huffed, her eyes on him, but he avoided them, looking out of the windows to their right as they marched on. “You know I’m not dumb.”
“For the last time, hopefully, it is not simple. It might appear so to you, but it is utterly complicated.”
“For once stop thinking that your life’s the most complicated mess in the world.”
“Tz.”
“But you told her, didn’t you?”, Burbage stopped and made him halt as well, finally looking at her.
“What makes you think I did?”, Harry didn’t fully see his face then, but he knew the annoyed expression to that tone far too well.
“Don’t take me for that stone,”, she frowned back languidly, providing a spectacular imitation – and a pause.
“Perhaps you haven’t noticed,”, he continued more quiet and spun to the window by his side, “But first, I don’t want to talk about it and second, even if I did, you should take a look down that corridor, before you bombard me with your nosiness.”, Burbage turned her head, spotting Harry at last.
“Oh – ”, the sight seemed to bother her enormously.
“Yes?”
“That – does indeed make it a little more complicated – ”
“Well done. You learned to put one and one together.”, he huffed and got himself a frustrated snort.
“Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but it does hurt people if you’re playing the prick – ”, though she used a swear word, the Hermione-ish way she had said that, startled Harry a little.
“You should try it once in a while, it really helps when being unnerved. And your unnerved-meter has been near exploding too many times lately; which I can understand, but nevertheless – ”
“Right. I won’t tell you what you should do.”, she said as softly as she could in her mood and, much to Harry’s surprise, she went around him and reached up for his cheek, where she laid her hand, fondling his face with her thumb. “But I advise you to grow up.”, before she had fully retrieved her hand, she raised herself on tiptoes and placed a brief kiss there. “And perhaps show a little smile.”
“Why.”
“W- hell, why?”, the woman became more hysterical than ever. “You know pretty well why! It’s not like I’m gonna die or something, I’m only pr– ”
“If you don’t go into hiding, you might,”
“Didn’t save them, did it? And where do you think I could go anyway?”
“Oh I don’t know – China perhaps – ”, she stared at him as though he was some sort of Fata Morgana, but huffed then, obviously having accepted his mood for sarcasm.
“Whatever. You’ll see that I’m right. It won’t happen again.”
“Sure. Because this time there’ll be no one else who could – ”
“And if I have to dye my hair red and wear contacts to make it get into your head!”, her shrillness was back.
“Charity – ”
“Or to at least fit your favours – ”
“Charity!”, the harsh call silenced her for a moment, but then she did something probably neither would have expected.
“I’ll be at dinner in the meantime.”, not deigning Harry another look either as she passed him, she stormed downstairs. “Join me if you succeeded.”
“Are you running away now, or what?”, he gazed past Harry.
“I’m hungry for two!”, her upset call echoed back up.
Harry was glad that none of the portraits by the entrance he stood at, commented the situation they had been forced to witness, if only with painted ears. He was certain that he had been the subject of their main conversation. That awareness kept him glued to the landing for a while and his eyes on the black figure by the window, who had turned to it again. He could see the pale face’s reflection in the ancient glass, and faintly, the dark eyes travelling over the walls outside. Before Harry grasped what kind of worse trap his legs might be carrying him into, they already brought him towards his teacher. Arrived at his left, his gaze at the black curtain and the pale tip of a nose, the quiet words stumbled over a thick knot in his throat.
“I’m sorry – ”, whether it was a good thing to receive no reaction, he didn’t know. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you – I – I just feel stupid – ”, Harry pondered. “I mean, That you’ve been the first person I liked in my life and – and that it took me more than four years to – to realise that you’re one and the same man – ”
At least he lowered his head now. Harry could see the closed eyes in the mirroring image against the clear evening sky of the last of June. Never before had he seen the man so sad, almost grieving – or was he actually grieving? What had their conversation been about? And why had she given him a kiss? Could it be that they really were such close friends? Or – all Harry could do was staring up at him, helpless, forlorn as though in a maze of memories that appeared to have no comprehension and fit in nowhere, and tragic enough, he felt the way the other looked like. Though he then did the one thing that seemed right.
“Thanks.”, he whispered over the silence of the corridor.
“What for.”, grumbled Severus as he again looked out onto the school grounds, his eyes moving unconsciously.
“For exactly that.”, Harry said a little more confident. “For keeping an eye on me.”
Severus could only give him a nod. There was this ever so present urge again, the urge to just turn and pull his clueless son into his arms. But like always, he would have to resist. He decided to give in to another urge: to turn in the opposite direction and simply get out of the whole before anything that was not meant to could happen. Yet exactly that occurred. A firm hand on his left shoulder held him back as soon as he had set one foot away from the teenager. His racing heart nearly stopped when the boy carried on.
“Would it be possible if I – could – if you can’t bear listening – could the postman deliver a message for me?”
“Which is?”, he murmured.
“I – I forgive you.”, Harry aspirated, a clearly woeful tone in the back of his voice. “I mean, we’ll probably both have died by the end of the war, won’t we? Or tomorrow already – who knows – so – as you said, when dead, no one can redeem themselves, isn’t it? So I thought, you should know that I forgive you for everything bad you’ve done to me.”
“If ye knew me, ye wouldn’.”
“Just say, I suddenly and completely out of the blue, actually knew you.”
“Ye wouldn’.”, he repeated.
“What makes you sure I can’t?”, Harry didn’t need to look at his reflection now to know he must be blinking his confusion towards the window – he knew he himself might have done so. “What makes you think I am so much like you? Needing a person to die before I could forgive them?”
“No. Ye’re righ’. Ye’re much wiser than me.”
“Wiser.”, the word left him with a deflated chuckle.
“Ye din’ was’e yer time. I mean, ye did. Bu’ a few years less.”, Harry narrowed his eyes, but didn’t remove his hand, putting things together he probably shouldn’t.
“Wait – are you – are you actually just talking about Ginny and me?”
“She waited ’cause ye waited. As much as she’s become a really independen’ youn’ woman, she’s still born inter a family tha’s extremely conservative regardin’ relationships. She tries ter break free, bu’ on tha other ’and she’s also comf’rtable wit’ fittin’ in an livin’ alon’. Sum’times it feels like she’s actually too tired ter do more ’an tha’.”
“I believe, you told me you’re not Dumbledore.”, the sigh with which his head sank, cost Harry another chuckle.
“No’ nearly. Rather like me, ’e tends ter play tha exper’ on thin’s ’e ’asn’ go’ a clue o’.”
“So you mean, he doesn’t know anything about love?”
“No’ exac’ly, no. Wha’ I mean’, amon’ tha many, ’e likes ter give relationship advices. Tha’s rather rich, seein’ as ’e – ”
“Yes?”, Harry drilled into the pause. “What. Is he a virgin, or what?”
“I – I dunno – really, bu’ as ’is firs’ real love ended in a catastrophe – and I ’ave no idea whether ’ere’s been anythin’ afterwar’s – or if tha’ relationship’s ever been any physical on tha’ aspec’ too – ”
“I – actually – meant that as a joke – ”, breathed Harry.
“I know. Bu’ why am I tellin’ ye ’bou’ tha’ even. Ye’re no’ s’pposed ter know. Especially no’ from me.”
“Then I guess, I shouldn’t tell him I know.”, now it was him to cause an exhausted chuckle. “Maybe you told me, because you hate him for giving advices on matters he can only guess about?”
“Dun’ ’a’e. Pitty’s more like it. ’E takes ’is own wisdom fer gran’ed.”
“That’s not very wise,”, Harry sighed, his eyes still at the veil of hair.
“No. Bu’ it’s actually people who take it fer gran’ed. ’Cause ’e’s bound ter be a role model. I believe ’e’s been tryin’ ter mee’ everyone’s expectations so much ’e can’ differ feignin’ from fac’ anymore. ’E’s been playin’ roles an’ fergo’ wha’s ’im an’ wha’s tha roles. Though nuthin’ o’ tha’ matters. ’E may be an ol’ man, bu’ ’e’s still a child. An’ ye canno’ blame a child fer ’eir try ter – fi’ in – ”
“So you are a little like me. You can forgive him his lies about knowledge, while he’s still alive.”, following a huff, Harry got to see the slightly uneven hair at the back of his head. “Look. I can understand that it must be hard for you to comprehend I can forgive you for being, mildly said, a scrote towards me. Only months ago, I would have strangled everyone who told me of the possibility. But now I do. I mean, really. I do. And I think, you pretty much made up for all long time before you did those things to me even anyway. I’m sorry that I couldn’t. I – I hope knowing that, can compensate for what I’ve caused in return, and if just slightly. And I know it might be asked too much, but – could you – could you give me at least any sign that you understood what I said? That I mean what I said? Or – could the postman do that?”
No way out, no way around either. He had to face him. Both would regret it for their lifetime otherwise. And even though he wanted it so much, despite his desperate wish to only look at him, it felt like the hardest thing to do, especially now, while he tried to realise what Harry had just said. Even harder than – killing? Nevertheless he gathered all the courageous warriors inside him and turned, slowly, and without a chance to wipe away the few tears that had been too week to cling to his lashes. He didn’t want Harry to see him like this, but he had not been able to think of a way to avoid it. For the first time in this case, he had failed terribly. As quick as the shock in Harry’s green eyes had gone, the same emotion rushed through Severus’ body – his skin, veins and bones – every single sinew – and within the split second in between, before he was fully aware of what was happening, an entire mountain of memories crushed down on him.
Lily’s face when she had cautiously held up the newborn boy in sheets after James had collapsed in the kitchen in spite of his anger about the supposedly uninvited guest – the tears that had stopped flowing from Harry’s eyes when he had reached out and Petunia had passed him on to his disguised father – the big eyes on a box of biscuits, snowflakes in his messy jet black hair and the incredible strength of the ten-year-old when he had lunged at him – the times he had managed to get himself locked in in the Hospital Wing without anyone’s notice – or the even fewer nights he had been unable to stand it and had snuck up to that dormitory to crawl into a bed he had never been allowed but spent some hours in against all law. The loathing looks Harry had thrown at his teacher nearly every moment he had gotten to see him.
Those had gotten less over the past weeks. Stronger when they had found their way to Severus sometimes, but also less. They had made space for something else. Stepped aside for confusion and disbelief, before they at last had melted into brief shock, then transformed into concern and then determination in the breath until arms far stronger than they had been last time, had laid themselves around his neck. It was forbidden. Illegal. He wasn’t to let it happen. But it felt so good he couldn’t find any more bit of will that would break that soothing closeness. Drained completely, his head sunk down against Harry’s, the hair left behind at his ear for some fortunate reason that granted a cheek to touch another and his pallid fingers dug into his son’s school uniform, pulling him closer than ever – and crying quietly but bitterly like he had so often in his life, away from anyone’s notice.
No time to question. Why they were allowed to be alone in that corridor. Why everyone was already at dinner. Why nobody seemed to be willing to walk past it in the Grand Tower. Thanking Charity for having left, he pushed every other thought aside then and inhaled each single second. His nose was blocked but he had not breathed so thoroughly in years, sucked in so much happiness, so much comfort. There would be a moment to come soon, a moment that would quite likely destroy all that, but the present indeed compensated all the sacrifice. It gave him the strength he had thought to have lost somewhere along the way long ago. He was ready to tear huge rocks with his bare hands. But for now, they were busy with doing something of highest pleasure and he bathed in the feeling, alive, whole, complete.
Hours passed. Days, weeks, months, years, decades – or probably centuries, neither caring how much time actually. It was enough for Severus. Enough to make him let go without regret and the though scarce smile that drifted on his lips had never been more honest. It reached his washed eyes, slightly pushed up his wet cheeks. He wiped off the tears on Harry’s face and gently patted his head.
“Be careful.”, he whispered to his flustered son, in his dialect, and the smile gone. “An’ trus’ Albus Dumbledore.”
“Er – ”, Harry aspirated out his confusion, blinking hard and he felt it as well.
“Promise me. Promise me ter trus’ ’im, wha’ever ’appens. There are reasons. F–”
“I – I promise – ”, Harry’s eyes widened when the hair over his scar was brushed aside and a thumb glided over the bolt-shaped mark. “How’d you – ”
“I jus’ know.”, Severus breathed, looked deeper into those stunning eyes – and couldn’t believe his own sanity when he slightly bent to him again, for the softest touch his lips had ever given anyone. “Better?”
“Yeah.”, it was so faint, it was hard to catch it as a word of confirmation, but he could feel the stinging pressure in his own head fade, as though the creature having caused it, retreated.
“Good. Bu’ – bu’ dun’ think wha’ jus’ ’appened does ge’ ye released from yer detention. As long as I am your teacher, you will continue to sort these cards and if it means that it becomes subject of your NEWT Thesis. We’re both stuck in that mousetrap.”
“Right,”, the boy chuckled crestfallen, the confusion fighting against some increasing usual anger, but it was irrelevant as a gentle voice startled either.
“I’m really sorry to disturb,”, said the fair girl in Ravenclaw uniform, “But this is very urgent, Sir. I think, Professor Slughorn is close to commit suicide.”
“What?”, both gasped and let go.
“Well, he disappeared in his office, muttering very disturbing things to himself. It was really scary.”
“Thank you, Miss Lovegood.”, he moaned and rushed off, leaving the young ones to themselves in the otherwise deserted corridor with finally a fairly good excuse, although he would have preferred letting Slughorn die.
“No problem, Professor.”
Luna’s face was rather worried, yet carrying the hint of a smile, and she seemed to think it better to direct it at the windows while Harry watched the waving black cloak disappear further behind her in the tower. It made him almost furious when he noticed that she seesawed with her hands hidden from his view and humming a very quiet song. A fury he couldn’t control, and it really scared him that he felt the urge to just stomp towards that fragile girl he actually liked, and slam his fist into that absent smile. But the melody eliminated it somehow and he was glad it did.
“I know that song – ”, Harry considered aloud, probably to dismiss this alarmingly brutal impulse a little more, drawing her attention.
“Do you?”, she asked and stopped seesawing.
“Yes. But I don’t know the title.”
“Funny. I don’t know who wrote it. I just caught Professor Snape singing it once and playing to it on the piano. He meant it is called `Your Song´. At least I don’t think he wrote it for me, did he? That would be really strange.”
“It would.”, chuckled Harry. “Listen – er – you – you didn’t see what – ”
“Oh, I didn’t see anything.”, her smile grew a bit bigger with that lie. “And even if I did, who would believe me if I told them?”
“True.”, Harry sighed, his head lowered and his gaze fell at an open shoelace that made him sigh deeper.
“I’m hungry. Are you coming to dinner with me?”
“Sure. Just – er – let me bind my shoelace, okay?”
“Of course. It would be too bad if it spared You-Know-Who the trouble to kill you, would it?”
~~#~~
On, on, on. Ever on. Not stopping walking. He couldn’t. He was not supposed to stop walking. It was close. So close. Behind the door he would be. The others’ footsteps echoed behind him. They would encircle the man and take him down. Then he would do it. He was the one to do it. He alone. He wouldn’t fail. Not this time. This time he was prepared. There was no chance he could fail. He could already picture the life leaving the old man’s blue eyes. Sudden silence behind. The steps were gone in the moment his hand pushed the door open. Turning to the corridor, he found an empty hall instead. A high black cabinet stood there, the doors hanging askew and broken. Heaps and heaps of little dead birds and mice covered the floor. Panic flooded his stomach and he turned back to the door. But instead, there was only a pair of cold, red marbles with slit pupils, staring from a white face. To his feet, two lifeless bodies, blood running from their wide open eyes and mouths into a pond of red that slowly trickled towards his own feet.
“You could have done it, dear boy.”, the hissing voice spoke to him, the pretended pity echoing as though standing in the middle of a high, dark cavern. “It was so easy. You were so close, but you failed. So close. What a shame. Look at them. You could have saved them, so easily.”
A thin bony wand was raised and with the image of his dead parents gone in a bright green shine hitting him hard in the chest, he gasped for air. His eyes sped open, as he panted heavily into the darkness above him. It took him some seconds to realize that he laid in his bed, rather than on a cave’s ground. But not for long. Unable to go back to sleep, he crawled out, stuffed up the blanket with conjured cushions so it would look like he was there, quietly dressed and left the dormitory. Out in the deserted drab common room, he finally slipped into his black shoes and adjusted his suit. Tonight he would..tonight he had to..there was not other option..he had to succeed..
~~#~~
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